6 Lessons Learned From Crap Customer Service

“This too shall pass,” goes the proverb.

Well, maybe it does in fables but customer service is a different matter: bad service does not pass. Not at all. Anyone who’s read about my dealings with my bank knows that.

So for your edification, here are six lessons I’ve learned from dealing with possibly the most deficient, incompetent and unhelpful bank in the country. Most of them apply to any company – big, small or freelance:

1. Respond Immediately

I couldn’t give a hoot how your system works, what processes you follow and whether your sick grandma was taken into hospital this morning. This is the age of instant communication and I expect my contact to be acknowledged quickly. An email, a letter, a text – something that shows you are alive (at least in theory). Making me wait gives me time to mull over legal proceedings.

2. Read My Complaint

No matter how long, complex and confusing it is, read the whole of my letter. Don’t just get to the first point and assume that’s everything – especially if your response times are incredibly long. It’s infuriating to have to wait weeks only to find that the customer service rep completely ignored most of the problem.

3. Accept Responsibility

So I get a reply from Mr. Smith. Unfortunately, the next time I contactyou, Mrs. Jones is the only person available. She’s replaced by Mr. Bloggs, who is followed by Mrs. Smith (no relation) and so on. For the love of all that is holy, assign someone to my case and force them to accept ownership! Nail them to a chair or something – just make sure I’m only dealing with one person and their “I’m on holiday” backup.

4. Understand What This Costs Me

Yes, it’s very nice that you have a 24/7/365 call centre. I don’t even mind that it’s based in Outer Mongolia, Antarctica or the back-streets of Scunthorpe. What I do mind, however, is that it costs me £10 every time I have to call them because you screwed up. More and more people only have a mobile phone these days: remember that and offer to call me back.

5. Communicate Internally

Nothing is more annoying than finally getting in touch with someone who accepts responsibility… and then discovering that they don’t have a clue what’s going on, have no access to “other groups’” systems and wield no power to actually help me. Your internal departmental divisions do not interest me - the fact that you have at least four different call centres, helpdesks and other groups of incompetents who don’t share information is your problem. Don’t make it mine.

6. Don’t Do It Again

What’s the point in sorting out my problem – or at least some vague attempt at that goal – if you do exactly the same thing again two weeks later? And no, I don’t give a flying monkey’s poop that it’s an automated system that’s abusing my account. Un-automate it. It’s not my fault you spent millions on crap software that gives you no flexibility. I’m just the one paying for your incompetence.